Install a motion-sensing flamethrower that activates whenever someone tries to touch your bike. No thief would want to risk getting roasted!
Train a squad of highly-trained squirrels...
... to guard your bicycle. They'll chase away any potential thieves with their relentless cuteness.
Attach a fake "warning: radioactive" sticker to your bike. Most people would think twice before attempting to steal something that could potentially give them superpowers or turn them into mutants.
Install a secret compartment in your bike that releases a cloud of glitter and confetti whenever someone tries to tamper with it. Thieves won't be able to escape the fabulousness!
Attach a life-size cardboard cutout of a menacing-looking gorilla to your bike. It will intimidate anyone who dares approach, making them think twice about stealing your precious ride.
Train your bicycle to emit high-pitched, ear-piercing screams whenever someone tries to touch it. No thief wants to attract that much attention!
Equip your bike with a state-of-the-art fingerprint scanner that only allows access to authorized users. It's like having a top-secret government bike!
Fit your bike with retractable training wheels that automatically deploy whenever someone tries to ride away with it. Good luck trying to make a quick getaway on wobbly wheels!
Install a tiny smoke machine on your bike that creates a dramatic smoke screen when tampered with. Thieves won't know what hit them!
Paint your bike to resemble a police vehicle. Who would dare steal a bike that looks like it's ready to chase down criminals?
Remember, these measures are meant to be funny and light-hearted. While they may not provide foolproof protection, they can certainly bring a smile to your face and deter potential thieves with their unexpected features.